anima_enigma27

08:10 pm: Evangelion and Bodybuilding, what a combo!
http://bodyspace.bodybuilding.com/AEg39/

I don't come here to post very often anymore, but I figure as long as there are pics of my bodybuilding ambitions posted here, I might as well show some decent (as well as up-to-date) pictures that don't show me as a sweaty, bloated, under dressed guy with a constipated look on his face.

I'm much too lazy to post these pics in anything but a link to where I normally post them, so the link at the top will have to do until further notice.

As for Eva, I found a music video by Utada Hikaru. Nice song, but what's really worth noting is the the video. It's got lots of new footage showcasing the remake of the series! If you haven't seen it yet and are a fan of Eva, what're you waiting for? Click!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=to9K_wCUlh0&mode=related&search=

Tags: bb, eva

01:22 pm: Come to the conclusion that...
Cardio is something to do everyday. My flexibility is back, my body feels loose and mobile as well as big, and I'm eating big, but not too big...and yeah.

I'll see how this seemingly ideal setup works after a few days. I've put on another 3 Ibs which I highly doubt is all muscle, but I figure this is just what a mass gaining period entails. Fats always part of building your body, so I'll just cut up whenever I feel I should.

I also think it's about time I get my brother to help me take a couple more progress pics.

Tags: bb progress

09:57 am: Do I really know what I'm doing here?
I'm starting to realize how foolish my methods are.

What I've been trying to do these last few weeks is put on weight (muscle-wise). Unlike the previous time I've tried and succeeded though, I'm trying to accelerate the process by eating like a horse whose pregnant and eating for two. The dumbest part of this method isn't that I just eat huge meals every two or three hours, but the fact I don't even keep track of how many calories I'm taking in. I'm just trying to go with my gut - literally.

Half the time I don't even want to eat, but do anyway because it's how I gained most of my mass in High School - as in taking pride in being an eating machine without considering it's a surplus of calories that'll turn into fat.

Though I'm still nowhere near what I consider bad, I'm not as lean or cut as I used to be. I've also lost a lot of flexibility from not allowing myself to do cardio every morning (which always included stretching for a warm-up). I think that may have been one of my biggest mistakes. Even if I were gaining, I should still keep my heart in shape as well as keeping excess bodyfat at bay, but I think I may have just gotten lazy, deluding myself into thinking this will show results quicker.

At least my strength is starting to show signs of returning. Yesterday at the gym I was able to incline dumbbell bench 90 pounders. Considering I'm 5'7 and only 175 Ibs and a guy probably twice my size with arms that could easily have been 17 or 18 inches was using the same weight. Now I just need to see if I can get my bench and squat back to reasonable numbers and I'll be happy on that front.

I've been wondering if the excess food - or more specifically, the giant amount of carbs I've been ingesting has something to do with the strength gain. I know it has everything (excluding the fats and sugars) to do with my bodyfat increase, but I wonder what will happen when I decide to cut up again. By cutting back (a lot) on the carbs, will my strength be negatively affected or maintain given that I don't go to the gym like I've just crawled out of bed? Having your body fully charged could be a significat factor in the equation which could mean I haven't really done too much strength training and the results are more from my diet...I guess this will all have to be a big experiment. I've heard how bodybuilding is a science and I'm starting to understand that more and more lately.

Tags: bb diet analysis

12:17 pm:

Found a much older pic that's back a few months before I decided to gain weight. It's me at my most lean.

05:58 pm: Bodyblog
Just a note on the pics before I get going: I'd just done my legs and had a high calorie protein shake, so my legs were a little too sore to flex well and felt kinda bloated respectively. With that said, here's my first couple of pics. Oh, and I'm not exactly looking my best with sweat-tangled hair, sweaty clothes, and the lighting, but I was strapped for time since my brother was lazy and was about to go to sleep.



Not a BB pose, but a decent pic.



My chest. I'm not flexing my arms or abs here.



My brother, who took these pics lying down on his side while in his bed (so lazy!), called this a Mr. Olympia pose. I don't see it as a good pose at all, but it was what I was going for (despite doing it wrong), so that's that. It's a front shot with me flexing my abs and arms - though I'm bloated and my arms can't be seen very well at the angle. Eh.



Front lats. I think I did this pose pretty good. My waste is small and my lats are flared out, so I'm guessing it's the correct posture.



My face looks constipated in this one and you can see the loose skin and streth marks...bah. At least my lats look okay.

I REALLY need to get my biceps to grow; they look puny. I've been focusing on my back more than my biceps (I work both of them on the same day bc most back exercises are compounded with biceps), so I think I'll be switching to more isolating arm exercises to see if I can manage some growth... Hopefully it's just the lighting. My arms get comments every time I go to my new job, so I thought they were at least better than what the pic shows.



For the sake of it, I wanted to see a back pose. Ignore the sweat stain on the crack of my ass if you can. :P

Tags: bodyblog

03:38 pm: It's been 5 months...Guess I'm due.
Hello all (i.e. nobody - except one or two maybe), I'm alive and well.

Some stuff has gone down here and there, but for the most part, I'm unscathed. On the top of the list of news is probably college: I'm going to be pseudo graduating with an AA and finally head off to the real deal. Come Fall, I'll also, hopefully, be in a dorm so as to get away from the family - specifically my mom. I need the independance and the experience of separating myself from this part of my life, if only for a short time.

In other news, I'm really considering bodybuilding as a means to something other than personal satisfaction. I've become so enamored by it: the training, the scrutiny of the human form that requires you to look at yourself as a piece of granite that needs to be sculpted, the discipline and emotional, cathartic benefits involved with it - everything about it I'm starting to love with every fiber. One problem I may have, however, is that despite having a good foundation physique along with the fundamentals of the sport (consistent discipline and knowledge for dieting and exercising), I have some loose skin along my lower belly that becomes visible if I bend over too much (but standing erect it's unnoticable) - so if I have this working against me permanently, I guess a pursuit into the professional world of BB might be out of the equation for me, even as a passtime or hobby since I don't think pros or amateurs who win competitions have even a slight amount of loose skin. It's unfortunate that I wasn't enlightened about my health and body back when it mattered most, but there's nothing I can do short of cosmetic surgery which is way out of my struggling college student budget. Not to mention I would never forgive myself for spending thousands of dollars on something so minor unless my situation suddenly starts calling thousands of dollars petty cash (yeah right).

In other-other news, I've finally switched jobs. CVS can kiss my ass - and I all but said so before they fired me (That story for another time maybe). Good riddance; because instead of working at a pharmacy where sick people and weirdos come in to annoy and piss me off, I get to work at a sporting goods store where the hours are ideal, the employee discount is not only 10% higher but for stuff I really, really like/need, closer to home (if only a little bit), and with the possiblity of commission if I can sell Replacement Plans for the bulk of the stuff in the store - which I'm getting better at. The only thing is they're short on hours, so I'm working all of one day a week right now, but they say it'll pick back up in another week or two. I'm new, so it's not surprising that I would get the short end of that deal.

My brother's got a girlfriend. She's nice. I'm pretty jelous, especially when I see him so happy and content. Having the kind of relationship he has, I believe, is exactly what the people in my family need. I'm realizing this especially now because both my brother AND sister have improved immensely in their respective fields of emotional difficulties (off the top of my head, brian's less reclusive, more affectionate and confident as well as letting me work with him to get his lazy ass into shape (occassionally); and my sister is less manic, more calm, patient and functional in certain situations and happier a lot more often than before she started her relationship with George). It's great seeing how much better they are, but at the same time, it's really disheartening. I feel pathetic and alone with all the yearning I do nowadays, but I have to deal with the hand I've been given and just wait for the time to come where I can meet someone like they have...

It's pretty obvious at this point that the life we three (my sister, brother, and I) have lived is one fraught with dysfunction, social insecurities, and trust issues that really benefit from a monogomous relationship. At this point, there's no real chance for me because the only people I meet are at school, and I doubt a statistics class counts as a social venue. By Fall, though, I'll (possibly) be in a dorm and with others who share my goals and life status (college student on a budget, away from home for the first time, etc), so here's hoping...It's hard to be optimistic sometimes.

On a final, more upbeat note, I'd just like to mention I'm thinking of starting a pseudo body blog here. I have some old pics I found from over a year ago before I started doing anything and I have a digital camera which I can ask Brian to take pics of me now with. Progress will be slow (Gaining size isn't as fast a process as cutting/slimming down is), so it may not be very many if I choose to continue this after the initial set unless I do some of different body parts/poses, but at least the first few will give fodder for conversation and a visual of the differences between then and now. Thought I'd say so to give everyone the heads up and me the initiative to do so now that a promise is in effect. Yeah, I'm weird like that.

Until next time.

Tags: update bb family

10:51 pm: PSA
I have an eight-pack.

*pause*

That is all.

07:39 pm: Update
I'm FINALLY done. All finals are finalized and I did good. Top grade even. Two classes have yet to be given back, but the two I DO have are superb. Math I actually got an A on the final and a B overall in the class; and Psych I not only got an A in but scored one of the two highest scores in all her classes. This includes me getting a PERFECT final...YEAH BABY!!@

Ok, so I'm not that excited about getting those grades, but I am pretty happy with it. This is all gonna give a much needed boost to my GPA.

I stressed and studied so much I've actually started gaining some weight. I'm now 5 pounds heavier. I'm actually considering trying to gain weight now since I need to gain weight to gain size though, so it's not necessarily a bad thing for me (I still have abs and look exactly the same). I'll be sure to keep up the cardio when I do this so as to be safe.

I've been so mentally exhausted lately. It's kind of a chore to just type. I even got into something oddly angry (not overtly angry, but definitely beyond playfulness) with my brother - which is a new one for us. We're kind of evolving I think; and not to sound full of myself, but I sparked it - I'm not gonna get into that right now though.

I doubt this made much sense, even to me. Sorry. :p

Tags: school

06:08 pm: Morning Post-jog weight
I'm now 156.

I've officially dropped another four pounds since last week. Go me.

I would like to dedicate these pounds to my kouhai, Lara-chan. :D

Tags: weight

04:37 am: Body of Change
It's been a few months since I last mentioned anything about my progress, so for those of you interested (all 1-2 of you), here's a progress report via the retesting results earlier today from my Fitness class.

The following stats (rated in order of best to worst: Excellent, Good, Average, and Poor) are just going to have the rating rather than the number since they aren't necessary.

Lung capacity: Excellent
Pushups: Excellent (80 flat without stopping)
Sit-ups (Timed: 1 min): Excellent at 54 sit-ups in 60 seconds)
Grip: Good
Sit and Reach: Excellent
Trunk Extension: Poor (I actually did extraordinarily worse this time compared to the first where I did get an excellent rating)
Shoulder lift: Same as trunk where I had an Excellent score but this time barely managed to grab average. I suspect I just wansn't in the mood to do these. :/

As for bodyfat analysis, I had 21.4% starting at the beginning of the semester (as opposed to having 12.5% for my gym's analysis gizmo a month or two after that), and now have 10.2% bodyfat. If I can rely on anything, it's having the same test twice and getting significant changes the second time around. My brother even cracked a joke about that when I told him ("So at the gym you're like 5%"). That's 11% difference! The teacher shook my hand. lol

And I'm not done. If anything, this has convinced me to work harder. Before, I was doing it for me, and once I felt comfortable in my body, I became a lot more complacent, and now I'm just being driven to do myself better; get even leaner, and thereby more cut and ripped. I've also considered working out for size since I feel like I could stand to get some bigger biceps. I think I only have hills when I could build myself some "peaks".

A lot of the reason I feel this way about myself is because of my weight. I'm 5'7, 162 Ibs (with clothes on) and consider that to be a lighter weight than I'm capable of. I used to take pride in the fact I was in the 200 Ib mark because it made me feel big, but I lost that mentality after I realized it was all fat with the muscle only composing a modicum of that number. But that yearning to feel big is coming back a little bit and I believe it's possible because of what a trainer told me: specifically that he could easily see me putting on enough muscle to be 200 Ibs. However, to add 40 pounds of muscle to my already sizable frame makes me picture a walking brick wall. I'd rather put on somewhere around 15 Ibs of muscle so I can at least say I'm fit at 175. It's easy to look down on a guy despite his ostensibly strong and/or fit frame if he were small - I should know, I did it a lot when I felt "big". And no, this isn't unfounded of me since it kinda happened earlier today at my weigh-in. Some guys my height and others a lot taller went "wtf" at seeing how much I weighed and started speculating that they weighed more because of muscle weighing a lot more, either insinuating they have a lot of muscle, that I don't have much, or both. I'm guessing it was most likely the former since you don't really say that to somebody's face unless you're a complete ass or the person you're talking about is obviously thin or lanky.

I guess I'll ask someone at the gym about it sometime after finals. I'll keep whoever's interested posted on my progress when I feel there's something noteworthy to be said.

Tags: fitness

12:26 am: This is some funny shit
http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/

01:09 pm: Update
It's been a while since I've posted here and a lot has happened. Fortunately, I'll only be posting the good points of the past few months since I'm in a good place right now.

First and foremost, I'm in the best shape of my life. Not only have I lost 35 pounds, I've gained more definition and leaner muscle. I've even improved my flexibility too. The best part of all of this is that I now have something I've never had before: abs. Yeah, that precious six-pack mommy never got me for the holidays (with what looks to be a possible bonus 8 pack if I'm right). It's not "ripped" yet (The top abdominals are starting to give off a little rippedness though), but at the pace I'm going, I'll bet I'll have a sic set of belly muscles in only a few months. I'm losing an average of a few pounds a week (unless it's a busy school/work week) and I was 12% bodyfat three pounds ago, so it might be sooner than I think. I never really thought I would have the discipline to get to this point without help (like a coach on a sport team or even a personal trainer), but I did; and I don't even think it's anything that special. I believe anyone who starts working out everyday like I have would develop the same addiction to it. If I don't run in the morning, I don't feel right for the rest of the day (sometimes I don't mind skipping a day though if I'm exhausted or sick - however, running helped clear up some of my symptoms a while back, so it might just apply to exhaustion for me). Same goes for working with weights and doing various types of crunches. It's not as much of an addiction as the running is, but it really gives me the greatest sense of accomplishment when I feel how sore my body is afterwards.

Besides abs, pecs, and biceps, school is doing good. Academically anyway.

I've been watching more sports anime lately. Hajime no Ippo being the current one. It's an awesome show. You'd think there wouldn't be enough material on boxing to carry 70+ episodes, a movie, OAV, and Special, but at ep 18, I have no doubts about the hype being for real on this show. It has a little bit too much male anatomy and some ostensibly innocuous, um, "contact" between mostly Ippo and Takamura, but other than those slightly unnerving moments, very entertaining and enthralling is Ippo. I suggest anybody, whether you're a fan of boxing or not, to watch it. I've never watched a boxing match in real life before and I'm loving this show.

I'm thinking about getting a tattoo. I've considered it before (thinking something tribal was the way to go), but now I'm getting serious about it. I saw this tat on a guy I talk too at a Subway near my work and it made me want one. I think it would add personality to my appearance too for some reason. I can't explain it well, but first impressions are a big problem for me psychologically. I've always looked older than I am and having the personality of a teenager more than an adult I think offsets people's first impression of me. Like...I can't really explain dammit. Maybe I think having a tattoo will seem less adult for me personally or that it'll make me seem a little more dynamic since I also feel like I can be a dull person a lot of the time. It could also be a good conversation piece/starter. I can see how it could get old after a long time, but I've used to that sort of stuff already with my body.

I downloaded Tetris about a week ago. I'm addicted. I play it every goddamn day for at least one game and have reached level 15. God help me if I decide I *need* to break that score - because it took practically a half hour to 45 minutes to get THAT score. >_<

On a related note to the first part, I need new clothes - badly. Nothing will fit me anymore and I'm ecstatic and frustrated at the same time. On the one hand I've become thinner and look better in just about everything I wear, but I have nothing to look good in save for a few undershirt wifebeaters and two inappropriate shirts my sister got from her job for me. It's not too bad wearing loose shirts, but the loose pants are what really bother me, especially when I'm running around all day. They fall so far down my ass I figure I'll be hearing ganster rappers telling me to pull them up soon. I got a new belt a couple weeks ago (old one didn't have enough notches 0.o), so it helps, but it's still not working because the waistline scrunches up when I tie the belt. This is especially uncomfortable when I'm at work and I have to move around a lot.

Dreams are awesome. Messy too.

I think House is da shit. Grey's Anatomy is starting to grow on me too. What's with the sudden appreciation I'm having for medical drama shows?

Dark chocolate covered almonds are yummilicious. :D Good source of antioxidents too. 8)

I've figured something out about Western religion. If you're in it for the conformity and/or safety, you're a Christian; if you're in it because of fear and social or sexual repression, then you're a Catholic; and if you're in it for the money, you're a jew. But if you're not a believer of anything organized by a group of charismatic, histrionic con men, and you follow your own personal "faith", then you're in it for you.

...

Yo quero Taco Bell. >.>

Tags: life

03:47 pm: Onward and forward
I still hate my job (for which I have to be there again in another hour), but I'm taking measures to fix that. I have an interview (second interview to be precise) at The Gap coming up. If all goes well and they hire me, I'll be putting in my two weeks notice as soon as the next day.

I've also found a much more effective way to vent my sorrows rather than writing pages and pages of indignant outrage and diatribes to nobody. Exercise. As cliche as it is to say it gives me a natural high, it's true. Like a lot of cliche are as I'm starting to realize. Guess that's how they become cliche in the first place. Everybody kept reinforcing it so much because it's so true. It also yields such awesome physical change. My belly is not just shrinking, it's tightening. I feel like I can almost wear tight shirts now. Though I'm not sure if I would even if I were slim enough since it's kinda fruity for a guy to do.

I've already started a routine of eating healthy foods and drinking only water and fruit juice (the good kinds that aren't apple, grape, pineapple, etc) and will soon figure out which foods to eat that help feed my body good protein and favorable caloric intake ratios. And of course working the parts of my body I've overlooked for most of my life. Like my abs. I used to do just sit-ups and never really ran on my own accord (only at school or when I was drawn into a sport). Now I run intermittently thoughout the week (like today) and have started a set of ab exercises that are something besides sit-ups that target my entire midsection, not just the upper abdominals/obliques/whatever (still need to get all the anatomy lingo down for the muscle groups). I'm also taking measures to start building my size too. I'm already pretty big and muscular, but now I feel like "why should I stop there". I always felt I was too "bulky" because everyone in my family (who were pretty much the only people I talked to about it) ALWAYS told me I was "big enough" and that anymore would just make me into an unattractive muscleman. Now I realize how false it all was. These were all middleaged woman for christ's sake. I don't think the men in my family would've said anything like that, even the middle aged ones, if they actually wanted to comment (my guess is it was an admittance to themselves about how small they are for never working out before).

Okay, enough of that. I'm getting into the anger territory again.

I'm gonna go relax for a bit. My abs are sore and my heart is still beating from my earlier run, so I think I need some downtime from doing anything at least for my mental wellness before I go to work.

Tags: exercise

10:31 am: Everything sucks right now
I feel like shit inside and out. I think I'm physically sick, I hate my job more than anything I've hated in my entire life, I feel not so much fat as unable to achieve a comfortable body (which is like having a carrot waved in front of a mule), and I literally can't do anything about any of it right now.

I'll say why in the order mentioned. First, I don't have nor do I want to take anything to "cure" my body of whatever ailment I have (which is either a cold or flu). It would just be putting foreign, unnatural chemicals in my body that would remind me way too much of the forced perscription pill-popping days. The only medicine I'll ever trust because of that is Eastern medicine because Western covers it up where Eastern cures it.

Second (If you need to pee, do it now), my job sucks ass. Not only am I working long, full-time hour weeks when I don't consciously want too, but each hour I spend there is like an eternity. It's now making me physically ill to be there. I hate the customers who now harass me, attempt to get me fired or in trouble, and now possibly will send their boyfriends in after me. It blows in so many ways. If I work at the register, I always get a customer who will bitch until he/she gets what they want and me, with my pesky pride, won't just give something over to someone who is either threatening, yelling, or condescending (It's my fucking job you're telling me I'm doing wrong you pretentious asshole, get a clue as to who knows what!). It happens at minimum three times in the day; don't get it wrong though since those are good days; shit can go down as much as two dozen times. I've lost count on some bad days. They just fucking keep coming. It has to be some fucked up combination of our location, management, and these unnecessary store policies that make customers into belligerent, grudge-holding cunts. Staying away from the register doesn't do me much better either - I have to do these tedious tasks like push items on every shelf in the store, which may not sound like much, but imagine doing this for hours. Up, down, and across on dirty shelves with items found every other shelf that needs to be put in its proper location. It wouldn't actually be such an issue if I weren't so bitter about the conditions I've been in. Like the politics inside the store with everybody hating everybody else and getting me caught in the middle. Then there's the incompetent staff that just happens to be above me because I refuse to become a manager of any kind. As of last week, I've now found the second Assistant Manager that has been discovered to be a lazy asshole. Lazy because he doesn't do anything but "work" in the office all day while sending me off to do three times what I normally do for any other manager (that being the asshole part). And of course this one wouldn't ask me to do something - no, no, no - he TELLS me. Like some authoritarian dictator, you DEMAND fucking something be done. If I didn't have such respect for my Store Manager I'd have quit this fucking job long ago, but because I have just enough forethought to not storm off as a way of quitting, I take that sort of bullshit in stride knowing full-well how taken advantage of I've been all because I don't want this near two year trip to be in vain when I need to be recommended for a new job. It's utter horse shit that seems only fit to be punishment for heinously evil people like Hitler or Stalin. It's mental torture to have to take something like this when you feel deep down inside you don't deserve it. Then comes the paranoia brought on by asking yourself "could there be a reason for you deserving this? I mean, look, it's happening, so there's must be some kind of karma justifier going on". It's enough to make me nauseas sometimes. I despise it. I don't have much in life right now and the only thing that keeps me going is knowing I have a bright head on my shoulders and supposedly a bright future because of it. It's just there's so many problems with that mentality. I have so many downfalls about myself that very well could disqualify any validity that mentality has which consequently makes me realize all the false hope could be leading me to a great, great fall that will undoubtedly be devastating upon impact (ie realizing one day what a miserable fuck I really am). This happens every time I'm outside picking up garbage and people in their sports cars come in to get condoms for fucking their gorgeous girlfriends or I'm sweeping up loose trash around the store where a laughing bunch of University students are buying ping pong balls for their drinking games at the most recent party, or I'm counting dirty pennies off the counter while a finely dressed businessman waits for me to finish with a look that says "glad I don't have to wear those shoes". It makes me die inside when I experience this after growing up believing I would achieve so much to what-now seems like a deluded idealistic fantasy of mine. People like me don't get their just-rewards for a life of difficulty and tribulation; they just get more of what they hate and in larger doses as time continues. Not only that, but I do "my kind" one better: I don't make friends or even relationships with girls to remember - no, I get stoners who want entertainment and someone to bum money off of in the process then one sad, divorcee who needs comfort for a week and someone to cry about their problems too. But lets not convince him yet hopelessness is there, lets dangle another carrot, a girl so far away you can't touch or see her but still want and feel will be there only to likely leave for another guy with more to offer and a much more convenient location. Yeah, that sounds fitting.

I remember ranting after talking about my manager's lazy ass somewhere and I didn't even finish my thoughts on the crap work I have besides the tedious stuff...suffice to say there's more to the work I hate than just the tedium. To sum it up, I also have cuts and sore joints to disfigure my hands and risk infection by (remember, drug store = sick people, bums, and dirty germ-infested bathrooms) doing everything from picking up garbage to scrubbing the dried piss on the toilet seat. I don't even want to get into what I saw in the woman's bathroom two days ago (Keywords human shit and used tampons). Oh, and then there's the vacuum cleaner that never works. It's noteworthy because in the near two years I've been there I haven't once had anybody else do it. I'm the one who does it each night I close (which I hate doing btw - I only recently managed to get mornings on the weekends) and it's ALWAYS broken. It will shoot shit out before it sucks it in and god forbid we have an extension cord that can stay in its socket.

Did I mention I offered to get the food for my sister's birthday party because it felt wrong to ask her to get it on her b-day and I got into a collision with three cars lined up in front of me? Well, I did. About two or three days ago in fact. The two in front sped off and the one in front of me pulled over and me with her. Of course it wasn't my fault (and thankfully she agreed) but that didn't stop her from trying to convince me to give her money attempting to evoke sympathy by telling me all this shit about her husband finding out and threatening the possibility of contacting car insurance over it (for which I already have a previous accident being held over my head by my family) regardless of admitteded circumstances and ADMITTING it wasn't my fault. I gave her my phone number and she thanked god "I wasn't an asshole", but with how things are going in life how can I not expect her to be one. I mean, it would be just great if she knew some con to get me pinned for something and have my insurance get fucked with as well as a bill thrown my way because I'm unwilling to tell my family about it. I know the saying "no good deed goes unpunished" was not meant in this way, but look at that analogy and tell me it doesn't suit what happened here all the same. I try and do something nice and I'm "rewarded". I've said it once and I will no doubt say it again, if there really is a God, it's one sick fuck.

I haven't even gotten to my third complaint yet. What was it, my body? Well, it seems insignificant after regaling the benefits of what working at my job has yielded. So I won't say anything.

One last thing that hits me at my core before I stop.

My brother has had the same job longer than I have. He has recently become a middle ranking manager and has done so while still in fucking high school. He gets paid damn near twice my wage and works closer to home. His store is in a shopping center away from the location-centered trouble I encounter. Having worked there without as much managerial issues and fewer managers, he's more content and taught more responsibility making him more knowledgable and the person to go to inside the family. It downplays my job and any pride I may get from it since no matter what the circumstance or question, I'm overshadowed. Any question, ask him, anything that you need at the store, ask him (better location after all), any benefits I have to offer, don't bother, his will beat mine every time...you can see where this goes. With the plethora of reasons I have to leave this job, I can't help but put the justification for leaving on stepping out of my younger brother's shadow (try to fully comprehend how it is to get trampled by someone younger in your family). I just can't handle constantly trying to catch up to my brother when I know it can't be done. I'm so damn proud of him for what he's achieved, but just as bitter about it.

I needed to get this out even though I know practically nobody reads it. It's just another pathetic facet of my life to be embarassed and ashamed about. So what else is new.

Tags: despondent rant

11:11 am: Random Ranting
I'm bored of the internet, porn, and blogging. Those things are what killed most of my downtime and I'm at a loss for what to do. I'm not motivated to do something productive either.

Normally I'd work out to kill some time; or watch TV; but I'm too lethargic to work out and I really don't feel like watching television. Incidentally, I'd kill to have somebody to fuck (I know how that probably sounds to most if not all people) right about now. It would really pass the time and maybe burn a few calories in the process without more motivation necessary than my lower anatomy. Nothing like good ole recreational sex for those teenage hormones and killing time.

Also, my throat is sore.

I'm weird.

If Buddha, Jesus, Zeus, or God wants me, I'll be at Satan's.

Tags: incoherent rambling

05:08 pm: All's right in my world
I'm feeling pretty complacent today. Kind of like what Robert Browning was feeling when he wrote "God's in his heaven, all's right in the world", but sans the religious overtone.

I'm doing pretty well with my diet thus far. I'm watching what I eat, how much, and even getting advice from people on and offline about what I should do; so that's encouraging. Now if I can just manage to get some weights - for which I'll first need to know which kind to get - I could be all set to get this plan going in full-swing.

Day 3: Took my second capsule and still have that same energized feeling; however, it still worries me I might not be doing the right amount of activity since this will be the second day I haven't done any aerobic exercise or even gone out. I have a minor, but noticeable feeling in my midsection like I'm really hungry, but without being actually hungry. I'm attributing this to the supplement doing it's job (It could possibly be a apetite suppressant too), but I am slightly worried it's my body working like it's moving when it isn't. If it weren't pouring outside, I'd try running around the block to see if it's excess energy that needs to get burned, but running in the rain would just get me sick; and even when it stops, we're in a floodzone which means puddles are everywhere. After which I'd also have to clean all sorts of mulch (sp?) off my shoes. Tomorrow's another day though.

I've also made the decision to hold off doing exactly what the label says to do in respect to the number of pills to take each day. Since it says it's only to test my tolerance and that I can take more than the chart-specified amount during an intense workout session, I'll take 1 capsule 2x daily for normal, lazy days, 2 capsules 2x when I go to work or workout (or if I just need to do something that requires lots of energy (such as helping my sister move Saturday), and more if I develop a tolerance and need to do something like workout. And by that I mean take 3 within a 4 hour period. It says I can take up to 4 in a four hour period, but that seems like a bit much for me. I doubt I need to take more than 2 at any one time anyway.

In other news, I'm watching an Anime called Amaenaideyo (mouthfull, ain't it?). It's cute, but doesn't enthrall me like some recent Anime have. I think the only thing really keeping me interested is it's ecchi appeal. It's definitely what got me started on it, but usually there's something like an interesting or conflicted protagonist or super-kawaii female lead that keeps me coming back for something besides the T 'n A. The male lead seems to be like Tenchi clone that's somehow even less interesting than Tenchi was. And the girls, including the protagonist's obvious love interest, are just kind of generic. Moderately likeable, but nothing special at all. It's only the two eps in for me though, so there's plenty of time for it to pick up, at least a little bit.

And even if it doesn't, the premise of having a monk trainee with super spiritual powers *only* awakened when presented with something to get his mojo working (like a stripping priestess or provocative, scantily-clad pose from one of the teenage "nuns") leaves enough ecchi possibility open for me to come back for more. The next ep is called "Don't Peek", so it's likely going to be ecch-worthy at least.

Tags: anime and diet

09:10 pm: Diet and Exercise Progress Log
I'm sort of at a lack of something to do right now, so I've decided to start a log of my progress in a new exercise and diet plan aided by a fat-burning supplement my friend at work recommended. Well, actually, he recommended something else which was more of a bulker than a slimmer, so I traded that in for the store recommended fat-burner. It's called Hydroxycut Hardcore and it's supposed to open my blood vessels or something and give me more energy as well as take off more than 7% bodyfat in 12 weeks. Last time I measured my bodyfat percentage was in Japan over two years ago and that was when I was a few pounds heavier. At the time I was 14% bodyfat, so I'll just say I'm around 14% and set a goal of 7% bodyfat at the end of 12 weeks.

Anyway, I'm on my second day and I'll start recording from my first day (yesterday) as well as today and intermittently from that point on.

Day 1: First I jogged around my neighborhood until my target heart rate was reached, then I took one supplement capsule, per the advise of the label, to test the waters and my tolerance. I'm glad I didn't jump the gun by taking two becuase that one supplement gave me a lot of energy and even the shakes (for a short time). It was great though! I could move quickly around the store (I took it before I went to work) and perform all my tasks and rounds without any groggy, lethargic feeling; and best of all I was alert and more sociable than ever before. I now think the only reason I've ever had trouble talking with people is not because of some childhood maladjustment or lack of practice, but rather a lack of energy to feel up to talking to people. With a little practice, I could easily talk, joke, and rib on people the same way as everybody else. It's giving me a wonderful sense of normality to finally realize this.

Day 2: I'm not feeling the same "buzz" as before, but I do feel the energy flowing through me; and it still feels good. I also realize how much my descriptions sound like that of a drug addict. lol

After tomorrow, I'll be upping the dosage from 1 capsule 2x daily, to 2 capsules 2x daily, as the label says. I'm worried I'll get too much of a rush and it'll make me erratic or jumping all over the place, but I'm pretty sure it won't do any harm. If it does end up that way, I'll just go back to taking 1 capsule again.

I haven't said anything about my exercise or diet routine yet (besides the jogging bit on Day 1), and admittably there isn't much of one set up, but it's still there. Basically, I'm just eating and drinking better food and liquids. Only water, milk, and juice with a diet soda thrown in at dinner every once in a while (I've done it once so far and only because water won't go well with red meat) and low-fat, low-carb meals with high protein meals thown in twice a week. I'm also bagging lunches with healthy sandwich meats and some fruit as well as eating vegetables at every meal and watching my portions. Combine that with a semi-daily jogging routine and the Hydroxycut.

Incidentally, I also have a plan to start lifting weights again. Not for mass though, just definition. I already have enough mass in my opinion.

Here's hoping to a better body, better self-image, and better outlook that should result in an all-around better me.

Tags: diet and exercise

01:52 pm: Another survey, yay (Hey, it rhymes :D)


Tags: meme

12:18 am: Hmm...
You know, I really wish I had more LJ friends out there to trade comments with. It's so fun doing it on others and cool when I get the chance to do it on my own - seldom as that may be.

02:11 am: You made me do this you bitch >.< (...You know who you are!)
(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)

× I miss somebody right now.	× I don't watch much TV these days.	✓ I own lots of books.
✓ I wear glasses or contact lenses.	✓ I love to play video games.	✓ I've tried marijuana.
✓ I've watched porn movies.	× I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.	✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy.  (Most of the time)
✓ I curse sometimes.	✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.	× I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.

( it goes on... )

Tags: "meme"